Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
