I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Randomize
