i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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