you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
