oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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