Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
