We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
