I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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