I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
