Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
