Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
