My liver just broke up with me...
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize