I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
