i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
