life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
