He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
