I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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