If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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