Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
