Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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