overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
