If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
