Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize