Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
