Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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