I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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