I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
