I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize