the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
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