I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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