Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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