I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
