His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
