I'm so fucking centered right now
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
