my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
