i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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