I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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