Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Randomize
