let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Randomize
