I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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