I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
