i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
