Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
