wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize