i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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