awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
