I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
