i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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