I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
