Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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