if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
