i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
