I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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