I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
