You made me cry and you don't even care
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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