upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Randomize
