Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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