when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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